SPRING CLEANING

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the amount of clutter in your life?  I would imagine that right now you are thinking of the stuff in your bedroom, the piles on your desk at work, or perhaps the never ending to-do list of the menial and mundane stuff.  What if I asked you specifically about the PEOPLE that clutter up your life?

Do you spend some of your precious free time nurturing friendships that don't give back and then find yourself lacking time to contribute to other meaningful relationships?  Or what about the drama that can come from unhealthy friendships or unwanted relationships?  It's time to focus on Spring Cleaning and cleanse your mind and lifestyle of this unwanted clutter.

I realize that the proposed task at hand might be daunting, but think of it similar to cleaning out your closet.  Shoes that no longer fit?  Out.  Shoes that only hurt your feet so you dread wearing them?  Out.  Shoes that no longer fit with your season in life (ahem, jelly sandals)?  Out.  Once the clutter is gone, you are left with a much cleaner space to see the great shoe selection that you had all along, but was perhaps being covered by some of junk.

This can be the same with friendships and relationships.  I am a BIG believer in seasons of life and some relationships are timeless, like a great pair of black pumps, and with proper attention and care they will be with you the rest of your life.  Other friendships can have a season of purpose, but then fade or wear out, to the point that they really don't add much value to your character anymore.  Just because the shoe no longer fits or is passed its lifespan, doesn't make it a bad or evil shoe.  It served its purpose and it's time to move on.

Don't let overextending yourself with exhaustive or painful relationships clutter up the space that can allow timeless and great new relationships to shine.  Cleaning out can be hard work and maybe it doesn't mean throwing things away -- just box them up to revisit another season.

Are we still talking about shoes or friendships or dating relationships or jobs?  I'll let you pick.  No matter what you choose, Spring Cleaning is always a great catalyst for making space for the new and exciting 'shoes' to come your way.

BE CRITICAL

I have recently come to the conclusion that dating is like a college semester project that never seems to end.  You start out excited about the possibilities of what you will learn, collect data, test your hypothesis about people, and then....what?  Where is the big conclusion??  As a single person I would be inclined to say that the finale is reached when you get married.  However, I am pretty sure that all of my married friends would quickly refute such a statement.  Life and love is a never ending journey of exploration and dating might be just the beginning of the data collecting process.

I am fortunate to have many 'friendtors' in my life who offer life advice and regale me with stories of days past when they were in my shoes.  This past week I had drinks with a friend about ten years older than myself and currently in the chapter of life where his primary concerns are his wife, young son, and what kind of house to buy.  A slight contrast from my current list of 'worries' which is more along the lines of caring for my health, my friendships, and where to eat delicious food on a Saturday night. 

We talked about work, mutual friends, fun things that he and his young son do together on the East Coast and then some medical anecdotes as his wife is quite the impressive medical brain.  Naturally, he then inquired about the status of my love life and I shared that I have been dating someone but fear that I am becoming overly critical in my old age.  He responded so quickly that it halted me from going any further, "BE critical!!  This is YOUR future!!"  Note the all-caps as if I was yelling at you because I am pretty sure he went for the dramatic effect to get my attention.

The comment dwelled within me throughout the rest of the weekend.  Be Critical.  Be Critical.  Guess what happened next?  A quarrel with my current beau. 

As the weekend came to an end and all arguments had been settled, my mind went back to the comment from Thursday.  I played back various romantic relationships in my life like a montage of vignettes --  a sort of highlight reel.  An odd thing stood out in all of it:  those I had loved the deepest were those I argued with most often. 

I'm not trying to say that picking a fight is a great idea and I definitely wouldn't portray my past relationships to be riddled with quarrels.  However, the relationships in which we never argued and I claimed to be blind-sided by the break-ups were often criticized to be less than authentic by my family and friends.  They questioned if I was being the truest version of myself in those relationships or if I was simply enjoying life in an easy and shallow way to go along and get along.  Such comments were never made about the more intense relationships of my past because you better believe that those boys knew where I stood on every issue.

Whether it is dating, selecting the type of food you eat, or selecting the right school or teacher for your children the advice is still the same:  Be Critical.  It's your life, your family, your choices.  

WOMEN ARE NOT MEN. It's a good thing.

As a woman on the go, you will often find me driving the many highways that define the geography of Southern California.  I log about 18,000 miles per year and am a self-proclaimed 'Road Warrior'.  I recently purchased a new hybrid with an outlet for plugging in my phone and, for the first time in my life, have discovered the world of Podcasts.  The soundtrack to my road trips has transitioned from pop songs with the occasional country ballad to comedic news casts and cultural programs -- and I love it!  Freakonomics recently produced a podcast titled 'Women are not Men' and I was laughing and learning all the way up the 405.

Here are my 3 favorite key takeaways:   

1.      Only 7.5% of patents have been filed by women.  And our Per Capital GDP would grow an estimated 3% if women were to file more patents.

2.      Women are far less likely to get struck by lightning or drown.

3.      Women only count for 16% of the Wikipedia editors.

Take what you want from these facts, but the underlying point is that the lack of desire to be confrontation in most women accounts for much of numbers 1 and 3.  I will leave the back story for number 2 to your imagination.

As the gender gap is closing, the typical personality traits inherent in the female sex continue to influence our decision making from the everyday mundanes to the boardroom .  I, for one, think this is a GREAT thing!  To my girls out there, we don't need to push ourselves to be aggressive beyond our comfort zone and we don't need to behave like a man in this world to get what we want... Do your thing and just be YOU.  The gender gap is continuing to close, women are continuing to make progress in so many areas of society, and we are doing it OUR way. 

The Freakonomics podcast closed with a discussion about crime statistics.  Not to my surprise, women commit far less crime than men.  Undoubtedly, this is a function of the same inherent trait to be less confrontational than men. 

I am, and will always be, an advocate for women to continue to grow and evolve their role in things like leadership (governmental and corporate), earning power, and the general work-life balance.  However, I found this particular podcast to be a fantastic reminder that 'us girls' don't need to act like men in order to achieve such success.  We can do it in our own way and do not need to create some internal battle to change who we are as women. 

Keep up the hard work, ladies, and embrace the feminine ways that keep us from getting hit by lightening -- or is that just a function of common sense?  To be determined in a later discussion...

THE IRON LADY

I was preparing to write another health and wellness article about the importance of paying attention to the quality of our water and food when my news radio announced that Margaret Thatcher had passed at the age of 87.  She is a woman known for her strength and will power to unapologetically stand by her core philosophies about life and politics.  I quickly decided that the Iron Lady is, on her own, a story of how to be a strong woman of healthy character.

I was born into a generation where there is a higher percentage of females sitting in a college classroom then there are males.  A generation where a woman has attempted to run for President and will most likely take that seat in before I have grown children of my own.  And a generation where, back in 2006, Lifetime released an article stating that 85% of females will return to the workforce after having children. 

This world is very different from the one that Margaret Thatcher was born into back in 1925. 

To put it plainly into perspective, the United Kingdom did not even grant women the right to vote until 1928.  I am sure that Margaret's mother might have been wary to whisper to her newborn baby girl that she could be the Prime Minister one day.  Yet, by 1959 she was a Member of Parliament and in 1979 Margaret was the first woman to take residency at 10 Downing Street as Prime Minister of Great Britain.

I commented to a colleague, after learning the news of her death, that the media's attention towards women in leadership has allowed this concept to become a 'Normal' for me and my sister.  We didn't think to question whether or not it was appropriate for Hillary Clinton to run for President or to question the level of respect that women like Condoleezza Rice deserve for holding prestigious positions of leadership and power.  But, at the risk of sounding cliché, Margaret Thatcher faced many 'Glass Ceilings' during her career and she managed to punch a hole through them and move on up.  She redefined normal with an unprecedented amount of strength and will power.

The media has recently been kind to her reputation realizing that her health, and legacy, was winding down.  Meryl Street paid homage to her and did a fantastic job playing the role in a movie inspired by Margaret's life story.  However, looking at the articles and commentary from her time in power, she was not always well liked and often not well respected.  Despite the critics, and in the face of losing all popularity contests, her signature personality trait was to stand strong and not express any doubt in her capable decision making abilities.

Margaret believed in the power of showing conviction and often spoke about the importance of living her life as a woman of action.  "I’ve got a woman’s ability to stick to a job and get on with it when everyone else walks off and leaves it" and "If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman" are just a couple of her famous quotes illustrating her perspective. 

When I think about women's 'health and wellness' I am quick to turn to a lifestyle magazine or Pinterest for inspirational ideas.  But the news of Margaret Thatcher's passing was a moving reminder that as I strive to be a woman of strength, from the inside out, and beautiful in both character and mind, I need to spend time and learn more about the women of past generations that led by example.

So the next time you are standing in the grocery line about to buy the latest magazine talking about 'Women's Issues', I would encourage you to pull out your iBooks or Library Card and read up on the women that made choices in history that have reshaped the path we are allowed to walk down today.

SMALL CHANGES & BIG DIFFERENCES

I am the oldest of three children in my family and always find myself pleasantly surprised when all of us have reached an age where our places in life start to overlap.  With a 6 year age gap between me and the youngest sibling, it is a welcome revelation to recognize that we have hit common ground.

This past weekend my youngest sister came home and we were talking about the challenge of maintaining healthy eating habits as a single working woman.  She graduated college only 6 months ago and doesn't quite yet have a strong skill set for cooking at home or prepping lunches to go.  In fact, her latest healthy eating habit is to order a 'Subway Foot Long' and eat half of it for lunch and the other half for dinner.  At the risk of sounding like an overbearing parent, I told her that while her intentions were good the reality is that lunch meat is full of preservatives and the makeup of a sandwich isn't actually that good  for our digestive systems.  Intrigued to learn more about healthy lunch alternatives, my brother started to chime in and ask questions about what he could either order as take-out or prepare ahead of time to prevent him from the inevitable 3 PM food coma that follows some of his heartier lunches. 

I happen to have a real love of food and nutrition so we started brainstorming about some different foods and preparation tips to carry into the following work week.  Now, admittedly, I am no expert in this field!  However, as we continue to discuss health and wellness during this Spring season I feel inclined to share with you some of my favorite tidbits to help you navigate the grocery store and give your lunch bag a face lift.  My hope is that you can take the information below and feel more energized throughout the day!

Breakfast:  It's true what they say, "Breakfast is your most important meal of the day!"

• ·        Did you know that grapefruit is high in fiber and low in calories?  It offers a ton of vitamins and is even said to 'kick start' your metabolism in the morning.  A great choice for breakfast.
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• ·        Chia Seeds were a staple in the diet of the ancient Mayans.  They are full of Omega-3 and can give you a natural energy boost.  You can buy them at most grocery stores and they taste great mixed with some Greek yogurt.
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• ·        Don't be afraid of the breakfast shake!  Mix some fruit (bananas and blueberries work best) with some mint and lemon or lime and then throw in your favorite green (kale or spinach) for a fantastic power breakfast!

Lunch:  Packing your lunch is a great way to save some cash and have more control over portion sizes.  It's hard to shop for one person so try and pick some recipes that will overlap ingredients!

• ·        Chicken salad is often a popular lunchtime recipe.  Want to try a healthier alternative?  Swap out the mayonnaise for non-fat Greek yogurt and use a whole wheat sprouted wrap instead of sliced break.
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• ·        Tuna fish is your friend.  It's full of protein and Omega-3.  I love to create a tuna salad made with Olive Oil, capers, fresh tomatoes, salt, and pepper.  Put it over some greens and you have a delicious, and satisfying, salad mix.  Another heartier option is to mix the tuna with some hummus and then add some olives, basil, and chickpeas.  A little bit of olive oil will create a smoother texture.  Again, put this on some spinach or kale and you have yourself a power lunch!
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• ·        Poaching is actually a pretty easy cooking method once you look up the technique.  I love to poach a filet of salmon the night before, let it cool, and then place it in the fridge for lunch the next day.  You can take your chilled salmon and place it on a bed of greens with fresh tomatoes, Greek yogurt with dill, and maybe some sliced avocado on the side.  This is also a great option for a light and healthy dinner! 

Dinner:  Cooking for one is especially tough for dinner!  Planning a weekly menu ahead of time will allow you to try and overlap the ingredients, which can cut down on cost and spoiled food at the end of the week.

• ·       Roasting is your friend for those that like to multitask when they get home.  You can take almost any vegetable (onions, brussels sprouts, squash, cauliflower) and mix it with some olive oil, salt, pepper, and maybe another herb or spice mix to add additional flavor (cumin on butternut squash is a personal favorite) then place the tossed mixture in a baking dish for 30-45 minutes and it will cook a ton of flavor into your dish while you have time to do some laundry or catch up on emails.
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• ·        Many nutritional experts recommend eating a vegetarian diet once a week.  It will allow your system to cleanse and ease the digestion tract as most vegetarian dishes are much easier to break down than meat dishes.  Try something with lentils to keep it hearty.
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• ·        Pasta is a quick and easy dinner for most working professionals since it can keep in the box and cooks quickly.  I read a tip once that I absolutely love about healthy alternatives to your favorite pasta dishes.  Take all of the ingredients that you would normally use to make a hearty pasta dish and swap out the noodles with sautéed spinach!  If you come home from work simply starving and think that this is not going to satisfy then try and go 50/50 with whole wheat pasta and the spinach.  Another great healthy alternative is to use Soba noodles.  They taste like pasta, but are typically 100% buckwheat.

Making small differences in your eating habits can lead to pretty significant changes!  I am always weary of prepackaged foods and the cooking that can go on at a lot of restaurants (hello salt and butter!).  Take the time to do some homework and learn more about the food we eat -- you might be pleasantly surprised with how easy it is to implement the 'small tweaks'!

FOOD FOR THE SOUL

If you had asked me on Friday afternoon what my plans were for the evening, I would have grumbled that I have every intention of staying at home to catch up on some TiVo and then go to bed early.  It had been a long week with moments of tension at work and I was entirely worn out.  When I arrived home, take-out in hand, I was greeted by one of my housemates chirping about how he had an open day on Saturday (a rare treat for him) and he intended to enjoy a carefree evening.  At the time, I gave a brief smile and nod -- not fully aware of the events that were about to unfold.

Within the hour, my other house mate arrived home and the two boys quickly agreed that take-out from the local Mexican dive would be a great idea as would some White Russians in honor of an impromptu viewing party of The Big Lebowsky.  One took on the task of bartending and setting up the movie while the other came home with an entire pie tin full of guacamole, confident that this might be light for the level of supposed starvation that the boys were experiencing at the time.  To further add to antics of the evening, the couple of friends that soon arrived were apparently all musically inclined and readily picked up guitars stationed by the dining table and my housemate sat down at his keyboard to play, what was later deemed, an impromptu rock opera.

I couldn't help but smile and laugh at the joy in the room -- it was palpable.  Laughter and music and the smell of carne asada had enveloped the room.  I laughed throughout the night and felt my stress and gloom melt away from me.  I slept that night for nearly 9 hours and woke up feeling the most refreshed I had been in weeks.

As we continue our series on health and well being, I want to trend from the more expected topics of healthy eating habits and exercise (both still important) to something that we might not place on our 'To Do' list on a regular basis but can have incredibly powerful physical and psychological affects on our body:  laughter.

Scientific research has shown that the physical act of a 'Ha Ha Ha' releases endorphins -- the same chemical released when exercising -- which has the ability to enhance our moods.  A New York Times article from September of 2011 even goes so far as to discuss a study performed by a psychologist at Oxford University that proves, through a series of field studies, that humans can increase their pain tolerance and resiliency if they have experienced laughter and joy just before the onset of the pain or injury.   

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/14/science/14laughter.html?_r=0

Based on the level of endorphins that perhaps helped me ease into that sound sleep on Friday night, I would immediately agree with this Oxford doc!  So now, as I continue to focus on having a healthier lifestyle leading into the summer season, when we want to look and feel our best, I must encourage the simple act of laughing more often.  It's a productive and healthy habit!  And who knows, perhaps if you achieve that deep belly laugh then you will get yourself a little ab workout as a bonus!

SET BOUNDARIES

A friend sent me a text about a week ago asking when I might be available to meet up for a quick coffee or glass of wine.  It had been nearly 4 months since we had last seen each other and there was certainly much to catch up on as the new year is well underway.  I responded "How about 3 Thursdays from now?"  I wasn't trying to be funny, it was literally the next free evening that I had on my calendar for such a social engagement.  Not surprisingly, the response came through as "THAT is the next time you are free for an hour or two?!  You are over-scheduled!"

A few days later I was trying to coordinate some things for the weekend.  I needed to be at a dinner around 7:15 on Friday night and the person I am currently dating had hoped to spend some time together before my 'girls dinner' -- aka No Boys Allowed.  I managed to weave through traffic with about 40 minutes of 'hang time' to spare before my dinner.  That was the equivalent of a half of a glass of wine.  "What about tomorrow?  When will I see you?"  Well, I am rising early to meet a friend around 9 AM for an event that lasts until 4, so hopefully I can spend join you for dinner before heading an hour South at 9 AM tomorrow."  Again, "Woman, you are over-scheduled!"

I made my way back up to West LA in time to drive this person to the airport, but I arrived with dark circles under my eyes and an energy level to be optimistically classified at a 3.  It only took one last look of disappointment, masking frustration, for me to surrender and say "You're right.  I am over-scheduled.  While you are away, I plan to learn how to use the word NO."

For the regular readers, you may roll your eyes and think that you've heard this story before over the years of my writing.  But, like many things in our lives, it is easy to have goals and ambitions but then see choices allow healthy habits to fade into unhealthy ones.  Mind you, saying No to things is different than telling everyone that you are 'Too Busy'.  The main difference?  Establishing priorities and then making decisions to stand by them.

Last week I initiated a challenge for all of us to be proactive in choosing a more healthy lifestyle so that we might feel stronger from the inside out.  I focused on healthy eating, less sugar, and increased water consumption so that we can feel good about the nutrition that we are using to feed our body and souls.  This week, I have learned a hard lesson.  That all of this will be nearly irrelevant if we don't maintain a healthy balance in our schedules to allow for physical and mental rest. 

I have been making better nutritional choices, yet there are dark circles under my eyes and I find myself less excited about life and the relationships that I desire to pursue because too much focus is on the fact that my right eye has an occasional twitch that might give the wrong impression to the person sitting across from me.

As women, we are wired to be relational.  We are also wired to be nurturing, attentive, and often selfless.  At least for me, it is not a natural tendency to say 'No' for fear of disappointing someone or even simply because I want to embrace it all.  But we have to slow it down. 

This week's healthy habit:  sleep more and prioritize.  Not even Wonder Woman could be in 3 places at one time...so what on Earth makes me think that I am capable of such magic?  I know this is a true challenge for so many of us, but creating boundaries is important and with that we will see healthier habits that build strength within us. 

SHAPE UP

Shape Up.

It is a true treat to live in Southern California and experience daylight savings.  Last night the sun was shining some gorgeous 70-something degree weather all day and the evening snuck up on us as sundown didn't occur until nearly 7 PM.  It was one of those days where you want to pinch yourself and say, "Life is good right now".

Much of the day was spent sitting on a patio in a quirky beach town nursing sangria and tacos alongside many other SoCal lo-cals and I couldn't help but take note of the fit, tanned, and well dressed women.  Midway through my meal I started to realize that I was gawking -- and it was embarrassing.  I commented aloud to my lunch date that the scene was a bit intimidating to a girl.  Here I was, hiding my leftover Saturday night curls under my Dodger cap while sipping some sangria and staring through my sunglasses at the size zero women in the bar wearing their cut off jean shorts.  Needless to say, my self esteem was quickly plummeting as I felt like Anne Hathaway in the beginning part of The Devil Wears Prada when she is nicknamed "Six".

My lunch date was patient and kind in his response and I let it go immediately because I certainly didn't want to be 'that girl' on a date.  But the thoughts lingered with me throughout the rest of the day.  Daylight savings means longer days and hot summer nights....in other words, bathing suit season.   I can whine and complain all I want about the skinny girls, but the reality is that I have to own my health and my habits. 

No one is shoving cookies in front of me or forcing me to enjoy that extra glass of wine.  These are  my choices and I can choose to make healthy, or unhealthy, lifestyle choices.  Starting today I am going to focus on making healthy lifestyle choices and I will encourage you to join me.  Mayor Bloomberg is preparing to enforce new laws about sugary drinks in New York City and I think it is a fantastic example to make statements that will encourage the people in our country to choose to live a healthier lifestyle.

I don't imagine being nicknamed "Zero" by the time summer is truly here.  However, I can make some small adjustments and a stronger commitment to fitness that will allow me to hold my head high in a Dodger hat on a sunny Sunday afternoon.  We all can and what better time to start preparing for bathing suit season than right now. 

Let's spend the next 60 days together checking in and creating healthy habits.  Sit down and commit to 3 new habits for the week ahead.  I'll even let you borrow one of mine:  drink more water, eliminate cookies (including the ones sold by cute little girls in green uniforms), and exercise for more than 30 minutes at least 3 times per week. 

Ready.  Set.  Go.

BUSY. The new "Four-Letter-Word".

I was caught by surprise at how quickly the Super Bowl came around and then it was immediately followed by Fat Tuesday.  Quite the busy weekend for New Orleans!  For many, the string of events might stop there, but Fat Tuesday is simply the beginning of a whole new season.  The season of Lent.

I grew up attending Catholic Church and even went through the Catholic school system so the biblical details of Lent are more ingrained in me than most people.  However, our culture has publicly celebrated Fat Tuesday and Mardis Gras as another national holiday and, whether one realizes it or not, the indulgence in opulence is not without reason.  The concept of Fat Tuesday is to relish in things that one might soon be sacrificing throughout the season of Lent leading to Easter Sunday.  

So now, back to Super Bowl Sunday, I knew that in the days ahead I needed to identify what it was that I planned to 'Give Up' for Lent.  Two weeks later, I had my answer.

Last year I gave up Facebook for the period of Lent with the reason being that I am easily distracted while on Facebook and can suddenly have hours pass me by before I decide to return to my real life.  I needed a fresh idea so I considered other indulgences for sacrifice this year such as cookies, swearing, or soda.  The thing is, I don't really indulge in much of those items anyways so the sacrifice seemed too easy and a bit of 'cheating' since this is meant to be a period of intentional lifestyle modification.

Then, a couple of weeks into February, I unintentionally stumbled across my answer.  It was during a period where I found myself frustrated and wrestling with various relationships in my life because I felt disconnected and disengaged from many of the people that I care about in life.  I wanted to place blame somewhere, somehow, but all I could come up with was "I've been busy."  I shared this with a dear friend of mine and he looked at me quizzically, then stated "So slow down."  Yahtzee.  It was an 'Ah Ha' moment.

Life is full of demands for our time and attention.  Work needs longer hours.  Your marriage or relationship needs 'work', aka time and attention.  The kids need you.  Your friend needs you.  Your aging parent needs you.  The to-do list is growing longer by the second and all we often can do is react. 

Stop.  Breathe.  Look at the demands at hand and prioritize.  We can't be everything to everyone and the best we can do is follow our heart and be true to ourselves in how we spend our time because, at the end of the day, it is our conscience that speaks to us with the loudest voice.

I am giving up the word B-U-S-Y for Lent because I hate the guilt that comes with disappointing my closest relationships, and myself, when I don't make the time for things that matter.  My friend was right, I do need to slow down.  I also need to realize that how I spend my time and efforts is a CHOICE.  How will you choose to spend the Lent season?  Will you give anything up for the remaining month or so?  You're welcome to share in mine, but be warned, giving up this four-letter-word is not easy.

Shapes and Sizes.

The beginning of a new year marks one of my favorite times of year -- Awards Season!  I thoroughly enjoy seeing everything from the parade of dresses and jewels float down the red carpet to the witty banter of various hosts as they attempt to deliver a strong punch line to the true personalities that will shine through in the form of an acceptance speech.

Looking back, I have typically associated the images of Awards Season with statuesque figures of actresses -- tall, slender, flawless in the face.  And then, this year, I started to see a different image populate the television screen.  It is the image of a more curvy and confidant woman. 

Amy Poehler is full of charisma and, in my opinion, did a wonderful job of providing comedic commentary with class and wit for the Golden Globes.  Amy Poehler is not a size 2.  Lena Dunham is a rising star with a clear dedication and motivation for her craft.  She features herself, and others of a more curvy shape, in her show Girls.  Lena is probably not typically described as a 'skinny starlet'.  And then, last night, as I watched the Grammy Awards I was in awe of the talent on stage from women like Miranda Lambert and Kelly Clarkson.  These award winning songstresses are confident, curvy, and successful.

I am not looking to pin the two ends of the spectrum against one another 'thin versus not-so-thin' and I certainly can't imagine describing any of the aforementioned women as overweight.  However, I do find it notable that women of various shapes and sizes stand as strong examples of confidence, success, and beauty.

I, for one, am relieved to see young girls looking up to such success stories for inspiration because what is most important is to remember that redefining normal is what has allowed our society to grow and evolve decade after decade.  Just maybe, this time around, we might decide that normal is entirely overrated and simply being an individual is the only normal that matters.

SPEAK NOW...OR ???

True friends are supposed to be dutifully honest and candid with one another -- true or false?  I struggled with this riddle over the weekend as I realized that a longtime friend of mine has developed a friendship with someone that I don't entirely see eye-to-eye with on....well, most all matters in life.   It isn't an issue of being right or wrong, we are just different.  And, for the most part, that's ok.  But what happens if you start to feel that something is taking place that is slowly approaching the line between different and 'not good'?  Do you speak up?

I, probably like many of you, have developed deeply rooted opinions as I have become more educated and have experienced many authentic moments in life.  These opinions might have first started with my upbringing and elementary education, but at some point there was a dramatic shift.  The shift began to transpire while in college as I realized that I was very much in the driver's seat of my future and no longer in the passenger's seat watching a parent guide the wheel.  My values, beliefs, and habits only became more ingrained in me as I lived life in my 20's and experienced peaks and valleys in both my personal and professional life.  This is no tall tale and I am confident that many of you can nod your head in agreement with this similar timeline of self discovery and development of affirmations. 

Now we have our voice, we like our voice, and we stand behind our voice.  With this realization there is acknowledgement of there being a voice on the other side of the table that is in conflict with your beliefs -- opposition to your opinions. 

I realized this past weekend that up to this point in life, I have had the distinct luxury of selecting my friends and, ultimately, deciding who is a part of my life.  At some point this changes and we must face personalities that, perhaps, we would rather not encounter in the first place.  A coworker.  A fellow mom in your neighborhood 'Mommy and Me' class.  The girlfriend of one of your boyfriend's friends.  A new friend of one of your old friends.

I found myself approaching a very dangerous zone this weekend -- the bad mouthing zone.  It is a place where I start to voice my opinion and in order to make a statement I must contrast it against something or someone with the ultimate goal of putting my perspective in bright light and the other's in a dark place.  Sounds innocent enough, right?  But then I held my tongue.

Our challenge, as decent human beings, is to maintain our opinions and values with integrity.  This means speaking with constructive criticism and showing respect to our fellow beings.  If I haven't lost you yet in my stream of consciousness about life and relationships then I will leave you with this to ponder:  At what point are we to know better than to think that we know best?

Time to CHECK IN

If you have taken a moment to break away from your everyday task list and projects to read this article, then you are already in a place to offer yourself a break to CHECK IN.  Before I even go on, I need you to sit up straight and take a deep breath.  I'm serious.  I bet that first one was pretty wimpy so I'm going to ask you again and will be more specific this time. 

Sit up.  Breathe in through your nose.  Fill your lungs to capacity.  Hold it for two seconds.  Now release ALL of the air through your mouth.  You might even make an awkward noise causing a coworker to glance your way -- don't worry, they will probably be envious of the release and try it themselves.

Now that I have your attention and the air has been cleared (literally!), time to check in.  What were you thinking about or doing right before you opened this article?  Was it positive or negative?  Was it urgent or just you causing your own sense of urgency?  Let it go.  Just breathe.

How are you feeling now?  Better?  The same?  Give yourself just these few moments to scan your body -- top of your head down to your toes -- and try to read what you might need right now. 

Perhaps you need some peace of mind from stress and worry.  Perhaps you need a healthy meal because you feel malnourished.  Or some Echinacea and warm water to fight off the influenza epidemic that is affecting our nation.  You might feel great and have a hint of a smile on your face -- kudos to you!

I must confess, this isn't all my idea.  I went to bed early last night with the intention of indulging in a solid night's sleep before rising at 5:30 AM to attend my favorite 6 AM hot yoga glass.  Once the lights were out I tossed and turned in my bed for over 2 hours.  2 hours!!  What was I doing up and staring at the minutes of the clock pass by when I knew I was getting up so early!? If worrying and multitasking was an Olympic sport then the women of the world would dominate the medal stand.  My mind was racing with thoughts of the week ahead:  task lists, decisions about my social calendar, life reflections, and the list goes on and on.  Not to mention, what did I want to write about this week?! 

Then, at 6 AM I arrived to my yoga class with my eyes only half open but my mind already racing back towards the thoughts that had kept me up until the wee hours of the night.  Meg the Yogi took her place at the front of the room and said "It's Monday Morning, Yogis.  Let's check in with ourselves and start the week in a calm space."

Simple brilliance.  Check in and let go.  Be who you are and know that we have the power to let go of anything that we feel weighing us down. 

It was only 6:05 AM when I decided that I would worry only about my time spent today as tomorrow will have enough worries of its own.  I encourage you to do the same and listen to Meg the Yogi. 

I Want It All!

I'm not really one for Bravo TV shows these days. The common thread through most of this particular network's shows is women bickering, strike that, yelling at high pitched tones and an overuse of the term "drama".  That said, in my social world, I feel like the exception and not the norm. My girlfriends loooove the Housewives (yes, all of them) and the latest plot lines are often woven into a Saturday night dinner conversation.

Just this past weekend, one of my dear friends referenced the current real life drama of Bethany Frankel. My friend commented how sad she was to hear of the divorce and really thought that Bethany would be a model in showing women how they could 'Have it all'.  Without hesitation, I yelled out (at an inappropriate level considering the cozy environment of the Venice restaurant patio) "But they can't!".

I don't know much about this Bethany character other than her bio would include some bullet points on Bravo housewife fame, Skinny Girl brand with blowout success, and recently married with a new baby.  I would also add that she is portrayed in the tabloids and other media to have a happy work life balance.  What other kind of statement are we to perceive from a show titled "Bethany Ever After"?  

My friend and I went back and forth about what it looks like to have it all.  She was the one rooting for the true love that came after the fantastic financial success of Bethany's story and my retort being that a woman with that much on her plate (did I mention a talk show in the works) certainly doesn't have much time for the role wife and  mother. I mean, how many hats can one person really wear?!

Who am I kidding?  I know nothing beyond the lines that I read in my nail salon's tabloids about this woman who lives clear on the other side of this country. I couldn't tell you an accurate read on her level of happiness and the notion that we 'know' this reality star is a far cry from any true definition of reality.  But the whole discussion begs the question:  what is your definition of ALL?

Sure, we can certainly try to have it all.  And we can discuss over a glass of that blonde housewive's famed Pinot the balance of career mogul, wife, and mother that Kelly Ripa embodies. But none of the greater context is really that important to me because the term ALL is intimately personal in its definition.   

Yes, I'll admit, I daydream about having it all. I dream about being my own boss, having enough money to never have to worry about paying for a fancy haircut or putting organic food on the family dinner table, and a doting husband that tells me I'm beautiful even when I have the flu (yes, I have watched too many Julia Roberts movies in my day). 

I'm not yet sure if it's achievable, but I'm willing to hold out hope. Perhaps I should note that I'm somewhat rigging the odds by keeping Glamour cover girl, future CEO of Google, and husband named Ryan Gosling off the list.

So I ask you, when it comes to wanting to have it all... How do you define ALL? 

The Big 3-0!

A dear friend of mine celebrated her 29th birthday at the end of December.  She is the last one of our group to embark on this final year of her 20's.  I like to refer to 29 as 'The Farewell Tour' to our 20's.  We can make a bucket list of things to squeeze in before we get "too old" or perhaps we just say so long to the naiveté that exists in most 20-somethings.  Like most farewell tours, there is a bit of nostalgia in the beginning but then a sprint towards the finish line once it is in plain sight.

The approach of this new decade in the year ahead was brought up at dinner just the other night and the most recent member of the 2-9 club let out a highly audible moan -- "But I don't want to say good bye to my 20's yet!"  We all laughed and agreed that the past 9+ years have been filled with great adventure, carefree romance, and ambitious career planning.  But then, the topic turned to why many of us are ready to embrace our 30's.  Comments were made, around the table, identifying the welcome changes in life that we associated with a coming of age -- noting that 30 is still extremely young and vivacious (we are not getting a senior citizen discount anytime soon!).

Below is an anecdotal list of the comments that I hope you find to be relate-able  evocative, or just plain entertaining.

You know you are approaching 30 when....

1.      You eat more vegetables than carbs and ask questions like "Is this organic?".

2.      You want to read books. For pleasure.

3.      The books that you buy were often written before 1970.  And the author is a name   other than Candace Bushnell.

4.      You prefer a night in with Netflix over a night out at a nightclub.

5.      You have more black in your wardrobe.  Appropriate for mourning the death of your metabolism.

6.      You make dinner reservations for 6:30. On a Friday night.

7.      You attend more baby showers than bachelorette parties.

8.      You run into a friend of an "ex boyfriend" while out at a bar.  And then you have to ask "Which ex boyfriend?"

9.      You have fewer friends. But they are all of great depth and authenticity.

10.   You desire to see the world and life beyond the one in which you exist on a daily basis.

NEW YEAR, NEW WORD

New Year, New Word

If you were to define the year ahead by just one word, or one simple phrase, what would it be?  Would it embody the hopes and dreams?  Would it be representative of a New Year’s resolution?  Would it be a simple statement about where you are in life right now and where you plan to be in the year ahead? 

Relationships.  Writing.  Momentum.  Crossroads.   More Success.  Pay it Forward.  Dream it, Live it.  Longevity.  Love on. 

These are a few of the responses that came from my family members and close friends as we went around the table on Christmas Eve to answer this question that was posed to us by our friend and professional life coach.  You see, it is our Christmas Eve tradition to indulge in a decadent buffet dinner, drink copious amounts of wine, and then let the combination of food coma and truth serum bring out the true colors in each person around the table.  We have had the same dinner party participants with the same tradition for the last five years and the Life Coach gets to pick the question for all to answer.

I am ridiculously optimistic and, perhaps, naively full of hope when it comes to life and love.  I’ve had my fair share, and even beyond, of tragic romances and some tough luck in life the past year.  But when I  was asked to contemplate the year ahead, I couldn’t help but immediately feel gratitude for all those that extended a hand to offer friendship, love, and support whenever I had a tough turn to navigate.  And then feel moved to make the year ahead one in which I follow their lead and bring light and joy into the lives of others whenever they might need a helping hand.  When it came to my turn at the holiday dinner table, my immediate response was “Pay it Forward”. 

Hilary Swank gives a fantastically written speech in the movie New Year’s Eve when all of New York City is looking at her with anxious doubt about the ball in Times Square being repaired in time for the Midnight Count Down.  She encourages the citizen of NYC to see this moment as sign to pause, reflect on the year past, and reach inward to discover hope for the year ahead so that we are truly ready to embrace it.

I offer you the same words of encouragement, albeit much less eloquent and without a star studded entourage, as we look to the year ahead.  What moments did you embrace in 2012?  Which challenges did you shy away from for fear of failure or being hurt?  The times that brought you closer to becoming the man or woman that you desire to be?  The times that made you realize that you are exactly where you are meant to be?

I agree with those that encourage us to not ‘hold on to the past’ and use the New Year to look forward.  However, our journey is the road map to describe how we became the person we are today.  It is a critical part of our story.  So now, as you look back and reflect on 2012, I ask you:  What will be your word for 2013?

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Life is Beautiful

The holidays are such a, well, tricky time of year.  They tend to mean something different to everyone – starting with the fact that people are celebrating all different kinds of holidays. 

I grew up in a family that could easily be described as a sort of “Leave it to Beaver” cliché and as a young adult I have come to realize what a rare gift that is in our complicated world.   When I come home for the holidays I look forward to spending time with family, laughing with my siblings, eating too much Peppermint Bark, and scrambling for that last minute present because I most certainly forgot someone on my list.

I look to others in my life and know that if they were to illustrate with words the scene at their home for Christmas or Chanukah or, simply, ‘the holidays’, it might be more complicated or less idyllic.  There might be family members not in attendance and their absence leaves a deep void.  There might be fewer presents, if any, under the tree due to the unstable financial position of a home.  The list can go on and on and the only shoes we truly know are the ones that we walk in day in and day out.  I can’t begin to try and understand the world of ‘Celebrating the Holidays’ that exists beyond the table I sit around every year.  I simply don’t know it.

We were watching a Country Christmas Special on television the other night and many of the artists were commenting on the holiday season and their song selection prior to performing.  The lead female in A Band Called Perry was asked why she enjoys singing Christmas songs.  Her response was powerful in its simplicity:  because everybody knows the words and for that 3 minute moment in time we all come together and live in unison.

As I look around at the environment that is built around us between approximately November 15^th and January 2^nd I can simply say that I choose to see its beauty.  The flowers, lights, bright colors, and shiny décor are begging us to smile and be in awe of this great nation – to come together, if even just for a moment.

We might all attach the holiday season to various meanings, some more positive than others, but hopefully we can all come together and agree that it is a time to try and find something in life to celebrate and be in awe of each morning – even if just for a moment. 

If the department stores, hotel lobbies, or festive restaurants aren’t enough to try and bring out the spirit of beauty then at least ‘Google’ Clark Griswold and look at his lights display.  I can almost guarantee that it will put a smile on your face as it has been doing for viewers of many generations.

 

THE HUMAN FACTOR

As much as I would love to dedicate this week's article to tales of spiked eggnog, mistletoe, and other holiday shenanigans...I can't help but feel compelled to mention the event that continues to be on everyone's minds (and televisions).  The tragedy in Newton, Connecticut.

What took place in Connecticut this past weekend I consider to be an unconscionable evil.  The innocence of the victims pulled at every heart string in America and our nation held their breath as they watched our President interrupt the morning news to deliver a speech that would, hopefully, show leadership and offer unity amongst the broken hearted.

If you were watching television, or even listening live on the radio, then you witnessed a moment that -- to me -- was one of the most striking emotional points of the week.  Our President, the leader of one of the most powerful nations in the world and whose face is recognizable amongst the millions, teared up and had to take at least three deep breaths to collect himself while trying to offer solace and support to the parents and family members of the victims.  Why so shaken?  Perhaps because he is a father.

Think about it -- when we look to the leaders in our lives do we acknowledge the human factor?  The President of our nation, your boss, your professor, your landlord.  All of the people who might play a role and hold a title that represents authority or power are also parents, children, or spouses to someone. 

I don't know about you, but I often find myself managing a very love/hate relationship with the holiday season.  There is so much going on and people can be pretty wound up.  The drivers are more aggressive (hello, parking lot chaos), there are plenty of end-of-year deadlines looming at the office, and I tend to feel resentful of everyone that wants or needs something from me.  This process can lead to angst, impatience, and frustration with those around me...during the merriest time of the year?  In the words of Alanis Morissette, "Isn't it ironic?"

The silver lining, albeit a dull one in contrast to all that has taken place, is that on Friday afternoon I stopped in my tracks and empathized with our President as he had a moment in which he had to take a deep breath and try to collect himself at the thought that one of his young daughters could have been victim to the news headlines of the day.  He's human.  He's a father.  He weeps at the thought of burying his children.

So this holiday season, as you feel inclined to honk your horn at the person that sits too long at the red light or to swear under your breath about your boss demanding final projects be delivered before you leave for vacation, take a moment and remember that we are all human at the end of the day.  And the true intention of the 'Holiday Season' is to reflect upon the year that has passed with gratitude and love for those that made it a bit brighter while also celebrating the beginning of a new year with hope and optimism.

I wish you all a very Happy Holiday Season.  May your days be filled with loved ones, cheer, and thoughts of gratitude.

SPEAK UP!

Speak Up!

I was pouring over love, life, and end of year career goals with a dear friend (red wine was certainly involved) and she made an anecdotal comment about interactions with her boyfriend of the last 6 months.  She plainly said "I've learned that I simply need to be direct and ask for the things that I would like to see and he is typically very responsive and receptive."  Imagine that -- being direct and asking for what you want, or dare we say deserve (!), from relationships.  A simple, yet brilliant, expression that is entirely underrated in life.

Often, my writing centers around the topic of dating and relationships so you might be thinking that this isn't applicable to the single ladies.  I will now take this concept a bit further and use it as a more universal approach to an assortment of relationships in life. 

My brother sent out an email to my sister and I earlier this week and it was so typical 'Simple Man' that I literally laughed out loud in reading it.

               "Dear Barbie & Skipper -- what would you each like for Christmas this year?  Please don't say 'oh                                             nothing' because then nobody wins." 

The holidays are a time of gift giving as a token of appreciation for the people that have played a significant role in our lives throughout the course of the past year.  It is also a time to look forward at the year ahead and identify goals and aspirations to then be used as benchmarks as we attempt to navigate the road of life.  I rarely speak with specific direction towards the more intimate relationships in my life, yet, I admittedly have no problem making specific requests of my work subordinates and colleagues so that they can clearly understand what I will need in order for our relationship to be successful. 

I must confess that I am pretty darn sure that certain non-work related relationships would grow tremendously if I did take such initiative in being more direct.  Now, I am not recommending that we place demands on people in life and stand by a line with our arms crossed in defiance.  No, not at all.  I am simply reminding all of us that being a clear communicator is critical to the success of ANY relationship and sometimes the more intimate ones are easily overlooked in this department.

I responded to my brother's email with a blend of holiday gift ideas ranging from Taylor Swift concert tickets and backstage passes to portable speakers for my iPod.  My brother told me that he probably can't come up with the Taylor Swift passes -- but hey, at least I asked!  Keep in mind that asking for what you want is as important as realizing that sometimes the response to your request is a gentle 'No'.   

Building a House

What if I told you that with each decision you make, consciously or unconsciously, you are building a house that bears your family name over the front door?  Now, what if I told you that your future grandchildren will see this house that you built to be constructed of materials consisting of Facebook posts, Tweets, and Instagram?  If you raised your eyebrows and shifted uncomfortably in your seat just right in this moment then you had the same reaction I did when someone posed this question to me just days ago.

You see, we are living in a new digital era use media in a way that allows the world wide web to contain an unprecedented amount of detail about our lives. We are writing new history books about an ear that has yet to exist long enough to be able to look back with much hindsight. I don't doubt that future generations will say that they choose to use media differently as a direct result of learning from our mistakes of communicating choices and opinions in an extremely public way.

Way back in history a person's last name wasn't perceived to be unique to that individual. The name was representative of a family household and each member's decisions reflected upon the family as a whole. Poor or reckless decisions quickly, and powerfully, brought shame to a family name.

Today we live in a different kind of world. We are much more individualistic and don't often care to associate our name and reputation with a larger group.  We feel entitled to believe that our decisions are set to impact our lives alone and the image that we choose to project in various outlets may or may not be relevant to anything beyond the moment of that post.  If this is a thought process that rings familiar then I challenge you to see things a bit differently.

I found it intimidating and bit overwhelming to realize that being a participant in the forefront of this era of information overload will allow future generations to quickly and creatively associate all members of my household through a simple "googling" of a name. To go even further and more dramatically with this idea, I could suggest that future generations will be able to purchase a DVD from Google or Microsoft that contains all the photos, tweets, check-in's, and status updates posted to your Facebook/Twitter/Instagram timeline.

We are building our own digital time capsule and one day it will be the building blocks that collectively create the house bearing our name.

So now I pose to you again the same question as before but now within hopefully a different context: what if I told you that the decisions you make today are building the house bearing your family name over the door? 

Be mindful and thoughtful this holiday season.  I, for one, plan to start "Checking In" to every important library and museum in town and will be filtering all photos so that my grandchildren will wonder my true age for years to come as they squint through my faded raindrop toaster filtered Instagram photos. #justkeepinitreal