My birthday is coming up at the end of this month and that means,
yes, I am a Virgo. An astrological sign that is often met with mixed reactions
and, frankly, I can understand why. Over
the years I have read many things about my beloved zodiac sign and there are a
couple of 'typical Virgo' characteristics
deeply imprinted in my mind: highly analytical/critical and a perfectionist.
Now there are plenty more flattering traits that I would prefer to discuss
about Virgos, but for the purpose of this entry I must highlight "the
darker side" of my Virgo Virgin traits.
I began my Adventures in Dating book with chapters one and two
being the longest of the set, thus far. My first two serious boyfriends were
each three year relationships. While the men were unique in both their personality
and physical traits, the common thread stringing these six years together was
my critical attitude towards them. I
commented frequently on the would-a/could-a/should-a aspects about life, our
relationship, and them -- personally.
I shudder now to think of some of the things that I said to these significant
others as they were both really good men grounded by strong character. While we
were dating, I was quick to point out their shortcomings in regards to the actions
taken, or lack thereof, that contributed to 'what could be' a good
relationship. I easily overlooked the
many small gestures that they were making to try and contribute to our
relationship -- and instead responded fiercely to all of the things that I found
to be lacking. I once hurled a high heel
in the direction of a boyfriend when he refused to spend the money for us to go
bowling with friends, but sweetly offered to host another night 'in' while
enjoying Top Ramen. Luckily, he ducked
and the shoe hit the wall. But not
before I was in a fit of tears. I am not
proud of this temper tantrum (but it would make for a great scene in the next
Kate Hudson flick). Nor am I proud of
the fact that I rarely sat down to look that man in the eye to say 'Thank
You'. Thank you for being faithful to this
long distance relationship. Thank you
for the small gestures of a random flower here and there. Thank you for the Tiffany's promise ring that
you gave me with tears in your eyes and a pledge to always be loving and
faithful. Nope, no major gushing thank
you speeches came from 21 year old me. I
was too busy telling him that he needed to get his life on track and find a job
because being a summer camp counselor at 24 was ridiculous.
In the end, with both long-term relationships, I was the one doing
the breaking up. Despite the critiques and consistently verbalized dissatisfaction
-- we loved each other -- and for the men it was enough. Not for me. I had to
move on and find someone and something better. Something less flawed. Something
perfect.
Once I was old enough to look back with a bit more context and insight,
I saw those moments for what they truly were:
moments in which my vices took over the steering wheel and crashed the
vessel. Just a few years ago, after
being on the receiving end of a hurtful breakup fueled by the other person's decision
to lash out against my constant disapproval, I swore that I wouldn't do it
anymore. I was fully motivated to
overcome this inherent Virgo nature to be overly critical and set others up
only for failure. I would now only set up my loved ones, and my relationships,
for success.
Earlier this week I met with my Life Coach and she finally called
me out on my Pollyanna Complex bullshit.
I have let the pendulum swing to the other end of the spectrum so
significantly that I am consciously overlooking the imperfections in people and
life. Along with that, I am actively
seeking out the good and hoping to find something just perfect. But here's the thing... life isn't perfect,
people aren't perfect, and relationships aren't perfect! I am a firm believer that we are all able to
find exactly what we are looking for in this life. What do I mean by such a general
statement? Think of the last time when
you were car shopping. You really
started to like the new Jeep Grand Cherokee and then, suddenly, you found that
they were everywhere! Did a fresh fleet
of Jeeps invade the 405 freeway overnight?
No. What happened is you started
to see what it was you were looking for on the road.
I now realize that I too will find exactly what I am looking -- in
people and relationships -- so while seeking out only the good I found myself
with men and in relationships that, in my mind, had no flaws. They were only
made up of the good that I was willing to see and the bad didn't exist -- nor
was it relevant. Boy was I wrong.
Balance and context are extremely important and influential on how
we perceive the world around us. We must take the bad with the good. I have taken a step back to acknowledge and
realize that standing up for the things that are important to me is key to
having a successful relationship. Do I
need to acknowledge the small gestures and do my best to see the world as the
'glass half full'? Absolutely. But I also need to take off the rose colored
glasses and appreciate that the bad gives the good its proper context.
From now on I intend to maintain a more critical perspective in
dating and relationships. I believe in
love and I believe in lasting happiness.
Most importantly, I believe that life is to be celebrated. Keeping that in mind, the balance comes with
having an opinion and being willing to stand up for what we feel we deserve in
life. I just hope that the universe
doesn't hurl a high heel in my direction as karma to teach me a lesson.
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